Woman, Dreams, and Family

Having a long texting with a best friend about what life is…

He said that the best person is the one who is useful, do things, and meaningful for others.

The discussion started when he questioned my BBM status “when u fall, get up and move forward…”. He asked who fall? And I said “I am falling”. Then I tell him all about my failing scholarships for a PhD in Australia. I said to him this is my dream and I could not afford to lose it. And I tell him all my worries about studying a PhD here in Indonesia….

And he said that “Han, kamu itu ternyata agak (sorry) egois yaa” that I am selfish. Well in the one hand he is right, I am selfish…if he defines a married woman who has dreams and try to reach it as selfish. He said that I have to remember that I am not single anymore, I have family….a husband and two kids.

He was telling me that being a PhD is not a goal in life, that’s not happiness. He said that we live today and then do the best for today, don’t worry too much about tomorrow. Well he is right…at this point and I agree….But this thing stick on my mind: I need something bigger than today…I need optimism in seeing tomorrow….I need a dream

Discussion continued…he said that going to Australia is my dream but have I ever asked my husband whether it is his dream too? He told me to be a part of my husband’s dream instead of focusing on my dream. Maybe he is right.

Conventionally speaking a woman’s dream should be her family…a woman dream should be always at her husband side…the focus is the husband and the woman is the pampers and supportive system of her husband’s dream….this way….my conflict will not exist. A woman can only have a dream if the husband permits her to have one, because Husband’s Blessing is the Blessing from Allah.

On the contrary, a man dream should be adopted as the family’s dream and therefore should also be the wife’s dream. A man doesn’t need to give up his dreams once he gets married and has kids. He can continue pursuing his dreams and have a family.

However, I never think conventionally about marriage and family….I never think that a woman should give up her dreams for her husband and children. I either don’t think a husband should give up his dream for his wife and children. I always think that a family should be a place where husband and wife share their different dreams and support each other to make those different dreams come true. I believe in negotiation, shared feelings and thoughts. I also think that a woman should still be a woman when she is also a wife and a mother. And I believe that there are diverse versions and definitions of family and marriage. I also believe that embracing both dreams and family is not something impossible. I don’t have to choose between dreams and family. I can have both.

I always see husband as partner with whom I share all the family responsibilities from child-caring, household chores, to breadwinning. No one should give up their dreams. By sharing all the responsibilities I hope that both our dreams can come true, InshaAllah….